Music is your own experience, your thoughts.

I have a set of playlists that I truly adored. Songs that I play 24/7.

But something happened last year. I have to put up with the biggest joke ever. Listening to those songs somehow reminded me of things I didn’t even want to think about. So I stopped listening altogether. Not even once. I don’t even want to look at those song names so I moved them into another folder. You know how they always say music is what feelings sound like?

Plenty of times over these last 1 year that I tried to open up iTunes and listen to them again. I failed terribly. I did not only couldn’t listen to them, I end up having these bitter heart the whole day. Tthings that I did not want to be reminded off somehow managed to crawl a little bit back to me everytime I hear these songs.

And I hated it.

Today,

Today I opened up iTunes.

Today I tried to play one of the song.

Even though the unpleasant feeling is there, it wasn’t that bad. It’s tolerable. I didn’t stop right there and then. I let iTunes play all of it. The whole playlist. Every single song. And the more I listen to it, the more comfort I found in everything. It’s still bitter, but they’re good memories.

So today, I made it. I’m happy I’m able to put things back without feeling like crap or like it’s like the end of the world. I dug out my iPod which I already stuck at somewhere in the closet. Recharge it and have it with me all the time.

I have to thank someone for getting me through this. And we all know who the person is =).

I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to.

For a period of time, I’ve been living in my own happy dreamland. At times like these, when you’re too comfortable in the nest, reality tends to jump right back in and bite you at the back.  

I’m still alive and kicking. Don’t worry.

To be honest, I’m no saint so I allowed myself to have a few hours of downtime, and a couple days of time out. Afterall, it’s better to have a bleeding heart than a hard heart. That’s all. That’s how long I took.  and then I’m back! All happy and bouncy.

Why should I still be sad? I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I’ve been nothing but respectful and honour everything that was there. But all that I get in return, is this. But if this is the way things must always turn out to be, then so be it. I just did things as I wanted to, innocently, whole-heartedly. 

My friend asked me why am I not angry.

I’m really not. It’s true they lied right in my face. It’s true this is not the 1st time. But if they feel comfortable with that, tell me, why should I waste time feeling angry over people who doesn’t have the decency to say thank you for a birthday gift?  These people are not bad people. They’re just people who think I’m not worthy of their time. It’s okay. I believe there’s plenty more people who would appreciate me more than them even though I might not be perfect =)

Besides, I’ve been going out so often that I hardly had time to stay home, let alone think about everything that has happened.

Occasionally though, the snippets of memory tends to crawl back and I can almost taste the bitterness. It’s awful. But I can deal with that =) because I have a whole lot of things to look forward to.

Oh by the way, flight tickets finally booked! US here I come hohohohoho I heart in-flight meals hohohoho first thing I’m going to eat when I reach. Cupcakes! I’ve been tempted with these photos for far tooo looooong. It’s time to eat it for myself!!!!! =D

see this. My friend photoshopped my photo until doesn’t look like me at all.

And this one. WORSE. Remember my perfectly photoshopped self *click*? My friend emailed me this one. He say this photo is nicest this way. Thanks Nick T___________T

He said “Spent a few hours redoing and redoing until in the end I had a flash going across my head and I knew how to improve this picture tremendously. I am sure you will like my final product.”

Currently Listening To: Tegan and Sara

It’s a pity.

I want to feel nothing. I lost my ability to write in my attempt to feel nothing.

Today, I woke up feeling just like any other day. I’m writing today because I learnt a lesson that I want to remember. I was reintroduced to a whole new meaning of acceptance, loss, forgiveness and trust.

Forgiveness should never come too easily.

When people say sorry for the things they did, they don’t actually really feel sorry. They’re just sorry because they didn’t hurt you enough the last time, and they need to do it the second time, trying to push your limits. I also learnt that some people can go to a level low enough that you won’t even believe any human being is capable of.

I trust people. I don’t blame myself for that. I didn’t do anything wrong. I believed every single word that was blurted out to me. I wanted to believe the world is way nicer than everyone described it to be. Nobody is to blame. It’s just the cycle of life.

If you’re wondering why I wasn’t writing angry posts to condemn anyone, or sad posts to make everyone sympathize with me, then I’m way grown that you think I am. I just need to believe that I can’t change everything, and I just need to learn and move on.

I was finally transformed into a a true blue woman, incapable of trust with a whole new invisible shield built around me.

Now,

I feel nothing.

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.

Friendships don’t last.

Don’t you think i know that already? After all these years, don’t you think I’ve seen almost everything that should or should not happen. People grow up, and most of the time, they grow apart. If you still manage to maintain fairly okay relationship with a friend of 5 years, give yourself a pat on the back. If you survive longer than that, please arrange for a dinner tomorrow night and celebrate it.

I don’t fight other people’s battles. Despite the tension that was created from every little thing that had happened, and the building split to top it all, I’ve always been a firm believer in our friendships. Afterall, WE are the core gang. WE are the first people to say hi in the new environment. WE are the one who hang out every night. WE are the one who had partied together. WE are the one who had gone on numerous trips together.

It saddens me to see we are where we are today. Grown apart. Awkward Hi’s and Bye’s. Occasional exchange of words.

Over dinner today, I heard of what The Friend did when someone accidentally blurted it out. I was spectacularly dismayed. I was holding back whatever feelings i had at that moment to think. Anger? Sad? Disappointed? To think that we’ve been through so much together, to think that we used to be so close, to think that we explored Hong Kong together. What The Friend said or did was really low. I hate to be stabbed at the back that way. We’re no longer in high school and I wished The Friend behaved like an adult and had had the guts to tell me straight to my face instead of badmouthing me in front of the soccer gang. That, my friend, is unforgivable.

For everything that you’ve done for me in the past, be it for the movie downloads, PC fixings, pick ups, lunches, dinners. I thank you. We’re even now.

I am thankful that I have 3 of my best friends with me tonight. Their eyes darted back and forth, while trying to find the perfect words to comfort me, to tell me to suppress whatever expectation I have left for this person. I shed a few tears.

Because afterall, I just lost a friend tonight.

a very unproductive day

i spent the whole day at home on the bed waking up sleep waking up sleep waking up sleep waking up sleep waking up sleep chat with candy sleep waking up chat with candy sleep. feeling like a total crap seriously i don’t think i’ll be able to handle so many late nights. i should be doing something meaningful today like it’s sunday c’mon like go to church (ya right)

oh i first woke up at 10am to see 1 new text message and it’s from Kevin at 7am (what makes him think i’m awake at that time) “hey where is chinatown give me address” of which i texted back “grant avenue” and went back to sleep. Linus i can’t believe you’ve lived in Cali your whole life and you don’t even know how to get to Chinatown why don’t you just pack your bags and Jes along and come back to malaysia dammit.

i also have quite a few friends who went touristy in SF and texted me to find out where this place is where that place is. i wrote so much of SF people seem to think i’ve lived there my whole life. BUT SOON BABY VERY SOON

on a different note, come to think of it, i haven’t really stopped to think about something bad that has happened very recently. I wish i could say that it doesn’t hurt and all that jazz. I was so afraid that once i slow down the feeling will come to me and i won’t be able to handle it. anytime in the day when my mind is not occupied with something else, the feeling will start to surface. and then i’ll quickly jump out of bed or call a friend or just hang out before the whole wave of feeling sink in like tsunami. for the first time i’m at loss for words i truly don’t know how to describe that feeling. and i don’t even want to dramatize it any further. isn’t it awful to feel that way every morning when you wake up?

it sucks

i don’t think i’ll be able to suppress it for long. i don’t want to just forget about them i wish there’s a pandora box that i can keep in and safe lock it and put it somewhere for a long long long time. how can i, or anyone, make things okay again for me?

p.s okay i just decided to order pizza delivery for tonight’s dinner the last thing i wanted to do is to be out and around.

p.p.s PIZZA IS FREAKING EXPENSIVE OKAY the amount of money i just spent is enough for me to eat for 2 days! okay to make up for that i decided i don’t want to eat anything for the next 3 days

dance first, think later

you know what’s the BEST remedy to a not-so-pleasant day?

DANCING

so i met up with the girls after work and danced the whole hour away. well, technically i was just moving here and there a bit remembering the choreography i wasn’t really paying attention. but it did take my mind off for a little while. it’s good to be around the girls and just laugh the hour away

these are the photos i grabbed from Grace’s facebook for Sean’s birthday celebration we did few weeks ago. yes FEW weeks i’m so lazy to post it up!

okay it looks extremely fattening but in reality it’s not. ChiaHuey bought the ZERO calorie cake

Sean cutting his cake. you can see half of me standing there with the paper plate so i can start eating lol

Food! it’s a potluck and everyone is supposed to bring something. I initially thought of bringing donut, then decided to bring Kenny Roger’s Vanilla muffins yumyum but then the celebration is going to be AFTER 1 hour dance practice. i don’t think anyone would want to eat muffins so heavy after that right. so i just bought Kuih Bahulu hohohoho 2 bucks for 10! i’m so stingy like that i know

Grace doing all the work. cutting the cake and then ChiaHuey will force everyone to eat it.

everyone! some of us girls are after practice. the rest are Sean’s friends who came over just to wish him. the boys..well, are all young boys. you can see from the way they pose for photos lol

anyway

after dance today i hang out at the music cafe for a while then ChakFung called me for supper. so i picked up SP on the way and only got home an hour before midnight, so that i could read some books before the day ends

live everyday like there’s no tomorrow

i can’t believe it’s only mid June! it only takes 15 days for so many things to change yah i told you June is not a good month. I really don’t want to know what’s coming for the next 15 days pls pls pls dont let anything else happen. i can’t wait for July so everything’s over.

every once in a while God will throw me some shits along the way. and the Mighty He decided to do it every year in June, in his many attempts to send me straight to hell, esp now since i’m busy preparing for IT . so even though sometimes nothing happen, i was so cautious and i will do a lot of unnecessary things to prevent the bad stuff that i thought is coming. u know what i mean? ended up maybe i’m the one who caused things to happen in a bad way instead of letting it flow naturally. yes, i tend to blame myself most of the time for things that happen. so EVERYONE can you guys just treat me the way i used to be treated lol

anyways, BeeJay say i’m always happy go lucky so i also didn’t want to wake up every morning grumbling why is every morning so tough. because life will sucks like that. stay positive stay positive stay positive *chants to self

I just called Candy and they’re both having egg tarts! grrr……..never mind egg tart Dec here i come hohohoho… the next time i go i will ask the boss if they want to hire and i will quit and go there sell egg tart. i’m serious.

oh i still remember when i take this. it was christmas eve! i drove to San Francisco by myself, went to Lombard street and Palace of Fine Arts. then Pier 39 to see Xmas tree and I had Bubba Gump then drove home and eat egg tart lol Joel if you’re going, look for Golden Gate Bakery in Chinatown.

Kevin left too today. why is everyone around me in US right now?

okay i know i have been writing a lot of words no photos but actually i have a lot of photos but lazy to upload it. maybe next entry because there’s a wedding i need to attend this weekend. and besides, the reason i have no photos is because i can’t use my camera. i left the battery charger in the hotel in US =( and i’m too stingy to buy another one like that

and Jes where are you i don’t see you online! Are you lost?

oh by the way, anyone knows if the new iPhone 2.0 is available if we don’t subscribe to AT & T? like maybe pay more or something? like do you know if it can be hacked? please let me know

Dying is like coming to the end of a long novel

Hello Grandma

how are you up there? have you met Grandpa yet or are you still around paying all of us a last visit? if you do meet him, can you tell him i’ve eaten all chicken wing in the whole country but none can beat his? do you remember how Grandpa would always go out from the backdoor at the old house to buy chicken everytime he see us coming? i haven’t had a chance to tell him i love his chicken wing the best because he has the secret recipe, and i do really really miss it.

i know i haven’t been spending a lot of time with you. if i’d known this chinese new year is the last chinese new year i could see you i wouldn’t have slept in the living room whole day and then wake up only to insist on going home without staying for the night. if i’d known that chinese new year lunch would be the last lunch i could have with you i wouldn’t have told you i’m full when i’m not because the truth is i wanted to go for the fuzhou mee opposite your house. i didn’t know that would be the last time you would hold my face and kiss my cheeks. do you realize that you call me Candy everytime you see me and i didn’t bother correcting you because i reckon you only see us once a year and it’s normal to mistaken me and Candy because we used to look like twins when we’re kids, when Candy hasn’t grown thinner and i haven’t grown taller. mysteriously you called me by my name this Chinese New Year and i remember looking at mum and whispered “Grandma finally recognizes me”

when Pauline break the news to me the other day i was very calm. i knew it would happen one day so i was very calm and collected. i thought it’s because i haven’t been seeing you a lot hence the heartless reaction. i still go to lunch, go out, it’s almost as if nothing happened. yesterday morning i woke up at 6, just sitting on my bed with a headache, not doing anything until the clock strikes 8. I went to McDonalds for breakfast and ended up scolding the cashier because they charged me 8 dollars for a breakfast which i pay 4 dollars for the previous few times. i gave them a piece of my mind because they made the same mistakes so many times and now they’re charging me 8 dollars. this is really ridiculous. they ended up charging me 4 dollars and told me that they’re sorry for the mistkae and they’re willing to charge 4 this time, but it would be 8 the next time. fine. i was all fine the whole day until when i was washing my mug after lunch in the toilet i suddenly just break into tears. i just couldn’t stop crying and crying.

only then it hit me. You’re gone. I wouldn’t be able to see you again on the 2nd Day of Chinese New Year, something we’ve done for the last 25 years. I wouldn’t have any more reason to go to YP anymore because you’re no longer there. The 2nd day of Chinese New Year would never be the same again.

i was always not there for you, not even the time you were hospitalized for surgery because i jsut started work up north. i have so much guilt because i didn’t even make it back this time, to see you for the last time and to pay you my last respect. i’m thankful because you have passed away peacefully without sickness, but i’m sad because you were alone when you pass away, none of us was beside you. and that, i’m sorry. i didn’t go to the community centre for charity work or to the cinema to watch The Happening yesterday because i forgot about you. it’s only because i didn’t know how to deal with that sadness myself. I wanted to go out for a good movie, but it really doesn’t help because it turns out to be a horror movie all about death and dying.

i’m okay Grandma. I’ve been having some ME issues lately and was on the verge of breaking down, but i managed to hang in there. i lost 5 kgs now because i couldn’t find my appetite. i know everything will be okay i just need to be patient. i also know you’d be there to watch me through it. Candy and Pauline are both in San Francisco right now for a couple of weeks, else i’m sure they both would be there with you as well. i am supposed to be there as well but i changed the plan to end of the year, else i would have felt so bad holidaying at this time. hope i can make it for the vacation plan so i would be seeing Candy end of the year too and have my egg tarts you know how much i love to be there. all i need right now is to concentrate on doing what i should be doing. and i know you’d drop me some luck here and there so i could get what i wanted.

may you rest in peace. i love you.

The first step to eternal life, is you have to die.

the 1st funeral i went is my grandpa’s. i was still in high school, i can barely remember. he was really sick and i think the death is actually a relief for him so he don’t have to continue suffer. i was sad, i really was.

the 2nd funeral i went is my high school friend’s. she and her BoyFriend was on the way home where a lorry hit their kancil and both of them died instantly. they were making a right turn into their house, they were right outside their gate with her parents watching as the accident happen.

i got a call from my sister today. my grandma just breathed her last breath few minutes ago.

….

i suddenly feel like throwing up.

it’s flyday!

i love the gift <3

it comes in baby pink love crystal shape which is reaaaaaally nice la. i bring it everywhere i go lol

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and another mug from seattle’s world first ever starbucks

‘careful, the man you’re about to enjoy is extremely hot‘ AHAHA WTF

now i have one, two , three, four. this is the 5th to add to my collection. not that i use them also wtf

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on another note,

do u know how lucky one person is to have girl friends around them like when u’re on the verge of dying they just came to you and held u right up. and no matter how low i fall, they’re always there to catch me. and no matter how they’re so tired of oldtown but i know they’ll still go with me. and no matter how gross my puke is, they stood beside me all the time holding my long hair back so my puke didn’t dirty it..like..u know what i mean..

<3

seriously

sometimes i don’t know how to thank you girls. despite me always ffk-ing you all for so many things wtf but you’re always always always there for me. even though it means having to find the most deserted restaurant in the entire mall and ordering a lot of food so i would eat and ended up stuffing yourself full because i didn’t even touch a bit, and then paying a hell lot because the thai food is really pricey???

i love you all. *blink back tears. jes i don’t know what to do if you’re no longer here. then pey has to bear every crap from me wtf

on the other hand, how would u feel if u told your supposingly closest friend that you’re in distress, and telling your friend upfront you needed the company. but your friend pretended not to hear you and left?..not that it happens to me..i was saying ‘what if’

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tomorrow i have to be a volunteer for Disney On Ice to chaperon the little kids around. bring them to pee/shit in the toilet and make sure they have all their wishes entertained during the entire show. let’s hope i don’t lose them instead. and hope the kid i have to take care is really cute okay if not i’ll lose all my interest wtf. for every hour i volunteer the school will get cash donation so i hope i last long wtf

or

i ffk them and go hiking with ChakFung which is more tempting because it comes with dimsum after that wtf

then it’s gathering time at night because Sim want to challenge me wtf