The Happy Misfit

There are moments, usually just before I fall asleep, where I remember a conversation between the two of us, months and months before I finally found out the truth about us, and it is only now, in retrospect that I see all the signs. It’s only now that I can read between the lies.

There are days, entire days, when all I want is to see his face. To hear his voice. To lie next to him. To believe in him. To love him. To just be able to love him. I’m ashamed mostly. Ashamed that given the chance, I would like one moment more, one moment more to love him, to bury my face into his chest, to smell him, to breathe him in and hold him inside me, knowing all the while that he is the worst possible kind of liar, that his love was small and selfish, that finally, when given the choice, he will betray me over and over and over again.

I don’t like this new fear that has settled around me. I know the reasons. There was so much betrayal. Such big lies. It’s not them I don’t trust. It’s me. Because, when it comes right down to it? I missed it. I didn’t see it coming. I believed that he loved me. I would have sworn to it, staked my life on it – and in many ways I did. I felt loved. I believed I was loved. And the truth is, I wasn’t. I’m not. How do I keep myself safe now? When I don’t trust myself to see it coming? When, still, still, I can’t believe, really believe the months long ending? When I’m still waiting for a makes sense explanation, when the sting is still so overwhelming? When I failed to see.

- Beautifully written. The Happy Misfit. It’s a pity. It’s a pity that I can identify a writing resonates to me the most clearly.

Awesome like that.

I woke up to a beautiful day and happy music *whistle

I bought the dress from Agri at S$59. A bit pricey for a piece of cotton but pretty worth it ……No? Hair up in a bun and off to party the night away.

Did I mention the tickets are bought for Thai-Landdddddddddd? My god they’re so cheap I nearly died in tears. Seriously I don’t effing care if other people can make it because if they didn’t go it’s their loss. Oh for those who wanted to join me (please do), well let me know and let’s go together-gether!!! I assure you plenty of fun!

Did you see my update on the previous post? My friend is cool he helped me did another photoshop of the cube disppearing act. I guess it’s time for some serious photoshop lessons lol.

I did a bit of Digg-ing around in the morning, and found this: 10 Worst Places to Get Caught Having Sex.

 

#10 In Court

#9 In Church

#8 On A Cop Car

#7 In the Cockpit

#6 At School

#5 At Work

#4 On A Crane

#3 At a Drive Thru

#2 Jail

#1 Train Tracks

What?! Those places are pretty uninteresting I must say. And someone even commented

“I always wanted to have sex with Jesus while he’s hanging on a cross“

WHATTTTTTTTTTT??!!!!! What the hell. That’s the sickest thing I’ve ever heard.

And then I had some free time so I did one of the personality quiz my friend sent me..”What kind of person are you in bed“

After a whole lot of questions, the result was “You’re a good pretender“. Apparently it says I’m good at pretending and that I always acted as if I know nothing in bed when in fact I know everything .

Welllllllllllll……………I really don’t know about that lol.

Finally.

**update: Nick did an awesome job of the disappearing act. 

**end update

***********

I flew back to Penang and went back to office and pack.

#1 My office cubicle’s name tag with the lantern from WEFT Mooncake decoration.

I found a lot of rubbish when I was packing the cube and threw everything away. 

I initially had a full complete photo of myself in the empty cube. But my friend took my photo and edited it to be like this. According to her “I’m trying to make it look like you’re disappearing cause you’re no longer going to be there“

#2 A very failed photoshop result to show me disappearing from the cubicle lol

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL all I can say is GIRL, YOUR PHOTOSHOP SKILL IS AS BAD AS MINE.

Then I spent the rest of my last day in Kevin’s cube. I probably wouldn’t see him in cube anymore anyways.

#3 Kevin in his cube with his retarded peace sign.

You know what I miss the most?

#4 Level 1 female toilet full length mirror.

Sigh.

When I was in PG 12 the other day, I walked into that aisle..that aisle that was once filled with thunderous laughters, loud chatting, dirty jokes, foul languages thrown from cube to cube…the aisle that was once named as “Chi Cheong Kai”. Our CCK is now crowded with unfamiliar faces, quiet and solemn environment, with people concentrating on their own work.  

Suddenly I miss everything.

I miss walking back from the pantry and toilet to the 1st cube. Porny’s cube where I will stop by. Few cubes down is FatBoySlim’s on the right and Joe on the left. Mine is next to Joe’s and right opposite mine is Kevin’s. 1 more cube down the aisle is Pey’s on the right and Eric on the left. Few cubes down is Kar Foo on the right and then at the end of the aisle is Jes on the right and KokWei on the left.

I miss our noisy aisle. I miss looking opposite and throwing paper darts at Kevin. I miss hearing Eric’s loud broken Malaysian English. I miss Pey’s clean cube next to mine. I miss eating snacks in FatBoy’s cube. I miss the loud thuds of Jes’s heels as she walked past my cube. I miss all the loud laughters. I miss the never ending gossiping and hanging out. The 9 hours in office seem so short and easy.

Don’t we all miss all those young innocent days? When you’re still you and I’m still me.

#5 Me being vain.

As I walk further down the aisle, I know things have changed. And they will never go back to the way it was again. 

Suddenly, I miss that office. That cubicle.

**********

Found these sets of photos sitting in PC. It’s way back in what…September! during Porny’s wedding.

#6 Shu Pey Me Junn HY FatBoySlim Kevin during the pre wedding buffet dinner.

#7 Most of us who attended. 

#8 The I-dont-know-what-I’m-doing photo.

#9 Me being vain…..again.

**********

There’s always something about receiving parcels…….. Parcels and surprises make my day =)

#10 2 big parcels on an unexpected day.

I want more surprises!!! haha

Random things about Me.

I’m literally brain dead right now. No i’m not joking. When i was walking just now I wanted to just stop and lie down on the street because my legs are too tired my eyes are too heavy my brain is not working. I wanted to just GO TO BED but I CAN’T because if I do I can’t finish my book..god is so unfair wtf

SInce i’m so tired today I’m going to do tags

 

 

Name: Joan Lim
Sisters: 2 extremely good sisters who pay for my everything.
Brothers: 1 who pay for me too but he bullies me a lot so I guess we’re even wtf
Shoe size: UK 5. 
Height: 162cm. My doctor measured 164 cm before but I think her ruler wrong already cause I cannot be that tall. (what? 2cm is a lot okay!)
Where do you live: Malaysia, Truly Asia.

Have you ever..
Been on a plane: Yes. Thank god I never met any major turbulence.
Swam in the ocean: A million times. I enjoyed it a lot. But I always manage to scare my friends out of their mind because I tend to swim a lot further away and when they shout at me to come back, I didn’t…because my head is in the water and I can’t hear them wtf.
Fallen asleep at school: I can’t remember a day when I didn’t sleep in class. I end up skipping classes altogether.
Broken someone’s heart: NO! Because I didn’t even manage to do that and people break my heart first lol wtf
Fell off your chair: Can’t remember. I don’t think so. Else i’m sure I can remember by heart.
Saved e-mails: What do you mean save emails. Like keep them? Are you saying it’s uncommon? :0

What is your room like: It’s spotless now because I just clean it. There’s still strands of hair here and there (can’t help the hair falling wtf). I have a very comfy bed but a very uncomfortable chair. It makes my back pain. I have very colourful walls. But I’m going to revamp everything to just be red and white. 

Do you..
Believe in love at first sight: Never thought of this. Er..I guess no? 

Who was / were the last person(s)..
You danced with: Sean Grace Angeline ChiaHuey Finn Jun
Last made you smile: Jin Giap coz I just had dinner with him and he said the dumbest things. 

Today did you..
Talk to someone you like: Err…yah. I like my friends lol
Kissed anyone: No
Get sick: No. or Yes if u say wanting to sleep all the time is a kind of sickness.
Talk to an ex: I’m not sure if he’s still alive?
Miss someone: Yeap
Eat: A lot summore sigh

Random..
Is there a person who is on your mind now: There wasn’t. But now that you ask….Yes someone popped up.
Do you want children: Solid yes. But definitely not now. There’s too much in life that I haven’t do. I’ll leave the kids part to later. Why the hurry?
Do you like your hand-writing: Mine is fugly. And it’s painful if I write too much because I use a lot of energy.
Are your toe nails painted: Yes. Red with white flowers summore wtf.
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: None.
When did you cry last: June this year. When my grandma passed away. Oh no, actually is August, about something else.
Are you a friendly person: Definitely no. EVeryone tells me that. I don’t talk to strangers. I don’t make friends with random people.
Where is the person you have feelings for right now: Dunno. At home sleeping I guess.
Have you ever crawled through a window: Nope.

Can you handle the truth: Depends.
Who was the last person you cried in front of: Grace haha. Grace do you remember that haha I was practically wailing like nobody’s business.
How many people can you say you’ve really loved: 2.
Do you eat healthy: Are meals with only meat and rice without vege for 25 years consider healthy? 
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex: We’ve never taken any.
Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you: Of course la *tsk They’re mean they say I’m fat lol
Are you loud or quiet most of the time: Most of the time, loud. Thunderous wtf. But with people I’m not extremely close with, I can be as timid as a mouse. You can barely hear me squeak.
Are you confident: Most of the time yes.
Are you controlling: LOL All the time.

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire -

1. Buy a new mansion for my parents with a garden for my dad and a mini golf course for my mum.

2. Fly all around the world. And live in all the best hotels that I saw on the net but can never dream of going.

3. Hire a personal financial planner to invest my billions lol

4. Hire researchers and invent a new kind of fibre

5. Do a facelift WTF

5 jobs I’ve had -

1. British Telecommunication researcher
2. Engineer *tsk

I can haz cheeze cengkerik?

Since 2 days ago there’s this insect right outside my window that makes the sound like cengkerik. You know what cengkerik sounds like? I feel like I’m living in some jungle coz that damn thing just kept making noise the entire night. So damn loud summore!

MY GOD CAN SOMEONE ASK THE CENGKERIK TO SHUT THE FUCK UP

The I Hate List.

Since I’m going to refrain from falling asleep because I have so much to do, let me take a break and blog. 

Okay my friend just asked me to write things that I hate. Interesting. Let me think what I hateeeeeee *sucks in a lot of breath because I have a long list to say wtf

1. I hate people who spit, burp and fart in front of me. Where’s the manners man please. So damn gross okay. I hate people who put their feet on my pillow because then I would feel like I’m sleeping on their feet when I use my pillow.

2. I hate people with body odour and bad breath! Who doesn’t??? Seriously it’s a pain in the ass okay to be with people like this. 

3. I hate to walk pass a whole bunch of guys and then they phweet here phweet there then call me AH MOI.  ”ah moi pergi mana” “ah moi comel ah” ah moi this ah moi that. I think all the girls also kena la not me only okay this is universal. Everywhere you go, same thing is bound to happen.

4. I hate angry impatient drivers. I hate them because they tailed me so close that you’d think they’re going to crash into my car if they come even 1 cm closer. They just keep horning and flashing me until I fuck off the road. 

5. I hate copycats. I hate people who follow everything you do. I hate people who imitates. They do whatever you do. You buy dress. They buy dress. You buy sneakers. They buy sneakers. You buy green bedsheet. They buy green bedsheet. You buy designer handbags. They buy designer handbags. You buy Iphone. They buy Iphone. Okay well I’m not a trendsetter so nobody wanna imitate me yet but I’ve seen a lot from my friends. They’re irritated at these copycats. I can tell why.

6. I hate rain when I’m wearing killer heels. Coz then the water would go in and I’m too lazy to clean it.

7. I hate people who mumbles or people who can’t make up their mind. I can’t stand people who can’t make decision. When you ask them if they want to do this or do that, they need to THINk first and they want to PLAN first and they cannot deal with spontaneous situation. For god’s sake please take some risk. Life’s more fun like that when you follow the flow!

8. I hate shoe lickers and gossip mongers. They can all go to hell and the world will be a better place.

9. I hate people who cheats! Just whoever. Whether you’re betraying your friend or you’re cheating on your significant other. Where is the respect for another human being? I hate them so much I wish they all walk out their house and get ran over by a truck and left to die in the middle of nowhere.

10. I hate all insects, cockroaches, cats…bah. Cockroaches are the biggest fear of my life I tell you. Everytime I see one anywhere in like 10 meters away my heart stopped beating. Damn disgusting wey!

11. I hate messy people. I hate dust. I hate dirty places. They make my skin allergy come up and I’ll feel itchy all over.

12. I hate to see my hair drop. I don’t want to become bald by 30.  I want a lot a lot of beautiful shiny black hair wtf.

13. I hate being poor haha who doesn’t??? I hate it when I’m penniless. I hate it when I want to buy something but I can’t afford. I hate it when I want to go travel but I can’t afford. Basically I just hate being poor.

14. I hate eyebags! They just NEVER go away even though I sleep 24 hours a day I tell you seriously they just stay there and NEVER GO AWAY. Anyone know any miracle cream or whatever that can remove eyebags and dark eye circles please please give it to me.

15. I hate being alone. I can’t stand staying in the house alone or go out alone for more than 24 hours. I’d start to feel restless and feel like I’m going to die. I need interaction. I need to talk to people wtf. No i cannot stand solitary mode.

16. I hate not being able to play mahjong. Mahjong is the love of my life. Mahjong revives my day. Mahjong makes me happy. When I play mahjong I see rainbows and stars and butterfly and everything nice. wtf.

17. I hate DOTA. The mere mention of the word dota is enough to make my blood boil. I hate Lich King. I hate Skeleton King. I hate Nightstalker. I hate Tidehunter. I hate Bloodseeker. I hate Sand King. MoonRider. I listen to them so much I know every single damn hero I tell you. 

18. I hate people who go to the United States for a few months then come back acting like they know ALL ABOUT UNITED STATES. You’ve got to be kidding me! and keep that fake slang to yourself. *tsk. Don’t tellme  you’ve lived in Msia all your life and just by going to the US for a few months, you come back speaking like ang moh and acting like you’ve not seen Malaysia. *tsk

19. Err Can’t think of anything now…….

No.

I don’t believe this is all that I hate.

Can’t be!

There should be more!!!

Haha looks like there’s not much things that I hate.

What about you people? What are the things that you cannot tahan?

Ah i’m exhausted I need to shower else I will fall asleep. I can not fall asleep.

Airports.

I love going to the airport. I mean..I used to. Flying to a new place or flying home, either way, it’s fine. It’s the excitement of exploring a new place and having plenty of fun, or going back to home sweet home.

Don’t know what changed but I started to dread going to the airport. All I can think of is farewell goodbyes hugs kisses see-you-in-a-year, you know what I mean. Somehow, in between, I lost it.

The exhilaration. The euphoric feeling. Where did it go.

I’m at the airport now. It’s 8.07pm and my boarding time is 8.30pm. I’m tired. I stink. I need a nice long warm shower badly. I need to shampoo my hair. I want to jump on the bed and sleep the night away. and it’s fucking cold!

This is what I ordered for dinner..U.S Fries haha. 

Next to my table is a Chinese family too. The couple, probably in their mid-40s, with their parents, and the kid who couldn’t be anything more than 15 yrs old. It’s funny because all of them converse in Mandarin, but the father need to keep translating everything to English for the kiddo. Seems like the kid couldn’t understand Mandarin..AT ALL. How can that be eh? If you listen to your parents and grandparent’s in Mandarin everyday, didn’t you learn at least something?

Okay anyways, enough of kay-pohing. It’s 8.11pm right now and I think i’m going to get the bill and go to the departure gate. I still need to help my friend to buy a carton of cigarattes. I think he’s dying coz lack of nicotine wtf.

BY THE WAY

how’s everyone’s Halloween party???? I dressed up as a sexy nurse wtf haha

okay that’s all bye